Is it Love or is it a Trauma-Bond?
Five questions to ask yourself when entering a new relationship
“I feel like I’ve known him/her forever!”
If a friend said this about someone they’ve just met and are crazy about, would you encourage them to pursue things further?
In the past, I would have.
To the untrained ear, this statement sounds like fate. Love at first sight — isn’t that romantic?
Perhaps, like me, you’ll have learned the hard way that the reality can be pretty different — if things move too fast, it’s not a good indication that they will last.
When you get burned time and time again, you begin to realize that this feeling of familiarity is more of a red flag than a green light.
Once you start delving into the patterns of your relationship learning about trauma and the term “trauma bond,” it all clicks.
What is a trauma bond?
We all carry unconscious programs, that were set from the age of 0 (in the womb) to the age of seven.
Neurobiologically speaking, our brain is set up like a computer. It learns how to run based on programs — inputs from the outside world, such as the behaviour of those closest to us and society at large.
We observed and learned how to behave through our parents and caregivers.
During this development process, we also got wounded.
Let’s say that Mum was indisposed the first few weeks of our lives, or Dad was not around for work or other reasons. Or that our passions and dreams may have been branded silly by our parents, instead of being encouraged.
For whatever reason, some of our needs may have gone unmet during a time in our lives when we were the most vulnerable. We may not see or remember these wounds, but we carry them, and this trauma is stored in our nervous system.
Then one day, boom. We meet someone and are instantly attracted because they feel safe and familiar.
The “trauma bond” is formed.
And what happens when two people feed each other’s unhealed wounds?
The wounds get “activated” by each other — which creates a chemical, emotional cocktail. A real addiction for your nervous system, that’s hooking on to the familiarity of this connection.
If what it knows is chaotic and dysfunctional, it’s going to unconsciously find ways to replicate this environment — a pattern that Freud coined “repetition compulsion”.
When you are in a trauma bond, you may fall into the role of fixer, or victim, the or the narcissist and codependent. They are two sides of the same coin.
Even when the relationship turns toxic and dysfunctional, you may tell yourself and your friends that you can’t leave your partner, because you love them so much.
But the truth is — you are literally addicted to each other, looping the same unconscious programming run by your nervous system. The wounds are deep, and they go way back.
Your nervous system is addicted to the highs and the lows of the relationship and unconsciously craving them, to recreate that familiar environment.
This is why trauma bonds are one of the hardest addictions to break.
Are you forming an authentic connection or a trauma bond?
If you believe you’ve fallen deeply in love, you might want to reassess the situation.
Here are five questions to ask yourself in the early stages of dating:
1. Do you feel you have known each other forever?
As I mentioned earlier, this is usually a red flag.
If you’re a millennial, you’ll know how wide the generation gap is with our parents.
After all, they didn’t have access to the same resources as us, whether it’s the internet, psychotherapy or a focus on mental health.
Consequently, many of us were not raised with a conscious parenting style.
This is why trauma doesn’t just affect people who remember their dysfunctional childhood.
In fact, many people in trauma bonds describe their parents and family as “wonderful”, because there’s no conscious awareness that their needs have gone unmet as children.
Ask yourself — how was your childhood and the relationship with your parents, and the relationship between them?
Did they teach you the fundamentals of respect and healthy boundaries?
We consciously know when a relationship becomes unhealthy or toxic, and we know that abusive behavior is unacceptable.
And yet, we stay, because subconsciously, they make us feel at home.
Often, that feeling of “I’ve known this person for years” indicates that you share similar wounds and are looking to “fix” them within the relationship.
2. Are you immediately obsessed with each other and spending a lot of time together?
Are you constantly texting? When you go on a date, do you end up spending the whole day together?
When two people connect in a genuine way, they appreciate each other without feeling the need to chat 24/7. They give each other space.
Being “crazy about each other” and not being able to spend time apart is often a sign of low boundaries. Low boundaries are a sign of low self-worth and insecurity.
Ask yourself — where is this need coming from? Are you afraid that if you said no, your partner would find someone else and things would fizzle out? Or if you are the one pressuring to meet, are you looking for a distraction from being alone?
Those who have worked through their attachment wounds don’t feel the need to rush things through. They would clearly communicate their availability and stick to it —without pushing or being pushed into “hanging out” to prove their commitment level.
Building trust takes time, so authentic relationships unfold in a natural way.
3. Do you feel energetically drained after you spend time together?
Trusting your energy and checking in with your body is an aspect that is often overlooked in trauma bonds because we are so intoxicated from the dopamine hit and the highs of first dates.
Don’t ignore your intuition and don’t forget to check in with your body.
I remember telling my friend that I loved spending time with a guy I liked in the first weeks of dating, but that I felt drained afterwards.
In hindsight, this person revealed himself to be an energy vampire.
From my side, I didn’t put clear boundaries and allowed him to take up more time and space in my life than I had anticipated from a casual dating situation. Deep down, I was afraid to say no, thinking I’d miss this once-in-a-lifetime chance.
If you feel tired and unbalanced after meeting, it might be a sign that you should give each other some space and focus on self-care.
If your partner doesn’t respect your needs, don’t ignore it.
4. Did your partner make you feel super special from the first date, or online before you even met? Is he/she idealizing you?
It’s easy to get swept away by romantic, grand words and gestures.
We love being flattered and adored — and we deserve it!
So I’m not claiming that we should dismiss anyone who is charming and caring.
But there is a clear difference between showing interest and relentlessly pursuing someone, going over-the-top with the seduction game.
Unfortunately, when we operate from our wounded place, we don’t see it.
Is your partner constantly telling you how special and perfect you are, when you have only known each other for a week or two? Do they talk about marriage, moving in, or having babies after a few months?
Beware of “love bombing” — a tactic used by those who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) to secure narcissistic supply, and it works well with people who have low boundaries or low self-esteem (see point 1).
Be cautious. Look for consistency. Do their actions match their words? Do they fulfill their promises, no matter how small?
Do they tell you something, only to change their version of the story a few days later? Do they deny things they said or did?
In authentic relationships, intimacy is built on trust and respect, not on gifts and empty words.
Being authentic isn’t limited to presenting the best version of yourself and impressing your significant other at the cost of honesty.
5. Do small things and arguments snowball and become huge fights?
Being able to defuse an argument is never easy — but in a trauma bond, it’s nearly impossible. Things always seem to escalate.
Do arguments start small but end with doors slamming and streams of tears, greek-tragedy-style?
Is disrespectful and abusive language used during arguments? Is there blame-shifting on either or both sides? Is it difficult to take accountability and apologize?
If you are unable to solve arguments constructively; and if arguments start over small things and carry on for longer than they should, it might be an indication that you are entering trauma bond territory.
If your partner doesn’t take responsibility and blames the argument on you saying things like “you should have said X” and “you should have known better than to Y” it’s a big red flag.
Once the limit has been crossed and any form of abusive behavior begins, it is clear that that this relationship is not a safe space for you to develop in your healing.
Please put your safety and wellbeing first, always.
Realize that you may not be hooked on drama — but your nervous system might be, recognizing it as home.
It’s a trauma bond — what to do about it?
In a trauma bond, there is no space to develop individually or build a conscious relationship together, because all your energies will be focused on finding and creating balance. It’s impossible — like building a home on swampy land.
Unfortunately, we can’t just break the bond by getting out of a relationship and finding someone who is a better match.
You might go for a completely different type next, only to find that nothing has changed — because the reality is that you’ll just find someone else to continue the cycle with over again.
If you are or have been in this situation, there is truly nothing to be ashamed about.
Trauma bonds show us where we need to heal and where there is work to do. While these relationships are the most painful, they can be our greatest teachers.
Until we’ve started making these wounds conscious, our subconscious is running the show, so we end up trying to “fix” relationship after relationship —instead of focusing our energies on healing ourselves.
To break our patterns, we literally need to reprogram our nervous system.
These are some of the most effective ways to heal trauma bonds, backed by specialists:
In personal relationships (not just romantic)
- Create and maintain healthy boundaries
- Communicate needs clearly
- Learn to say no
- Set expectations from the beginning
Psychotherapy techniques
- Shadow Work
- Ego Work
- Inner Child Work
- Journalling
- NLP
- EMDR
Self-Care and Wellness
- Meditation and breathwork
- Yoga
- Somatic bodywork and tapping
- Holistic therapies (energy work, theta healing, kinesiology, etc.)
- Support the nervous system during the healing process with self-care, including healthy foods and
To conclude:
The more healing you do, the more you’ll recognize the difference between a trauma bond and a genuine, authentic connection.
Most importantly, you’ll be able to move away from trauma and closer to developing conscious relationships with someone who fully supports and respects your healing process, so that you can grow together.
